She overhears our conversation and I see her head start to shake back and forth "No". I lean down and whisper in her ear... "Mom... do you want them to run the tests? Do you want to get better?... or do you just want them to make you comfortable?"
Then her soft, pained voice said:
"Please just make me comfortable."
The doctor just looked at me and said "I think your Mom is making her wishes pretty clear."
I told the doctor that I thought he was right. She didn't want to go through any more tests. She was tired. She didn't want to be pricked and prodded and shoved and sticked anymore. She has asked many times over the course of the last few days to "Please stop bothering me".. and "I just want to go home"... but I wasn't listening. I wanted her to get well. I told her, "Mom, you HAVE to try! You have to get better." But suddenly it was all clear. She was doing it for ME, but SHE didn't want to try. She wants to go home.
Over the next hour, she heard us discuss our options. We picked Alive Hospice. I've always heard great things about them, and I was happy that they had a bed open and were ready and willing to take her. I told her we were going to move her one more time, but that they would make her comfortable there and she nodded. And then I noticed her face. For the first time in two weeks, she didn't have a look of pain on her face. She looked peaceful. It was if she was relieved that I finally heard her and was ready to let her go.
The doctor said today that when you get to the place where Mother is, death isn't scary anymore... it's comforting.
So, tonight... she's finally resting peacefully in a beautiful suite in Alive Hospice. No more nurses and doctors and therapists bothering her. No more hospital noises that made her nervous and jumpy. It's calm and quiet and warm. She knows people are praying for her and she knows she is loved. And for the first time in 14 days, she looks.... well.... comfortable.
Sorry it took so long Mom..... we will do this on your terms now. I always was a stubborn thing.