I should have known.....

What made me get my hopes up? I should have known that Mom's re-awakening wouldn't last. I mean, did I really think that after all these months, she would come back to us and stay? Just as quickly and inexplicably as she came back to us, she left again. I called her apartment first thing this morning as I was driving my 13 yr. old son, Sam, and his 14 yr. old friend, Drake to school. Dad answered the phone.

Dad: "Hello"
Me: "Hi Dad! How are you?"
Dad: "Well, fine."
Me: "How's Mom this morning?"
Dad: "About the same."
Me: "Can I talk to her?"
Dad: "Yes. Just a minute."

Now, when Dad said, "About the same." I was hoping he meant the "same" as she was yesterday, and not the "same" as she's been for the last few months. I hear him call her...

Dad: "Betty! Marcia's on the phone, she wants to talk to you."
Mom: "Who?"
Dad: "Marcia. Our daughter."

My eyes were welling up with tears before I even heard her weak voice say, "Hello"....

Me: "Hi Mom. How are you today?"
Mom: (long pause) "Fine."
Me: "What are you doing?"
Mom: (another long pause) "Just laying on the couch."
Me: "How do you feel today?"
Mom: (again a long pause) "Fine."

Yep. The little reprieve that God had given us from this horrible disease was gone. That mean, cruel Alzheimer's had taken my Mom away.... again. But I didn't want to accept it. So I asked one more question....

"Mom, do you still want me to come over and help you paint your nails?" I held my breath, hoping that suddenly with the mention of painting her nails, she would remember that she's supposed to be excited about life again. That she would suddenly "awaken" again.

Mom: "No. I don't paint my nails anymore."
Me: "Okay, Mom, I'll call and check on you later."
Mom: "Fine"

I hung up trying not to break into full-throttle sobs while my son and his friend were in the car. I mean, that's the LAST thing two teenage boys want to see on their way to school is Mom bawling like a baby because she misses her mom. Her mom that's still living and breathing two miles down the road. They wouldn't understand, and I sure didn't want to drop them off for their day at school like that. Sam saw the tears quietly falling down my face and he reached down for a kleenex and handed it to me. Then he squeezed my hand and smiled at me as if to say, "Hang in there, Mom.... and thanks for not breaking down like a complete nut-case in front of my friend." :-)

I dropped off the boys and headed to my weekly women's bible study group. I let out the full blown screaming cry while i drove. I couldn't believe that I was this heartbroken. I really thought I had mourned the loss of my mom years ago when she started going down-hill. On top of that, my mom and I had always had a tenuous relationship. It was my Dad that I was closest to. My Dad was my rock. I always thought that it would be my Dad's loss that would have me so torn up. Not Mom. Boy, was I wrong. Now, here I am, headed to my women's group who is studying the book "Nurture" about mother/daughter relationships. HOW am I going to get through this morning?!?!? I almost turned around and went home, but something kept me going. I got to my friend, Lisa's house (who leads/hosts our group). It was Lisa's birthday. Britt had brought coffee cake for breakfast and had candles lit. They were singing "Happy Birthday" as I walked in the door. (I was a few minutes late!) I suddenly knew that I was exactly where I needed to be. Surrounded by strong Christian friends who loved me and would get me through this day. Funny thing is...... I never even mentioned Mom to them. I didn't want to ruin our beautiful morning together. I wanted to hear about their lives. I wanted to forget what was going on with me and hear about them. It really helped. It helped me more than they will ever know.

That's how life works. Sometimes you help someone without even knowing it. Just by being there with a smile and a hug. I'm a big believer in Hugs. They are God's medicine for the heart. I sure needed that medicine today. Thank you ladies. Thank you for showing up this morning at Lisa's. I look forward to next Tuesday!